This song was sung last night by very young parts of my psyche. Then I wrote it down for them. Sometimes, when we (the we of me) are on the phone with a friend, and the friend tells us to hold on because they need to step away, we know they can vaguely sense us there, but can barely hear us.

In those moments, we experience the perfect mixture of the familiarity of aloneness, which can feel like safety to an abused child, and the deep need and longing for connection, getting fulfilled by this friendship. This is a mixture, in fact the only mixture, that allows us to spontaneously start singing—both hoping that we will be heard, and that we will not be heard. We sing mostly into the protective void of nothingness—with a slight sense of being witnessed.

As a child, we did not have a family. We were owned by an abuser who had pinned our entire life down by a lengthy contract. We were sold to other men and women, and spent time in various homes. Sometimes, we peeked out of the windows, and saw families walking down the street, together. Sometimes we saw children holding hands. Several times in our lives, a relative or spouse of an abuser found us in their home, and offered us kindness. Those kind, non-abusive adults quickly earned the title of mommy or daddy, in our heart. Unfortunately, kind souls do not survive well in the murderous network in which we were all trapped. These kind parent figures were killed. And we were blamed for their deaths. We long for them and miss them every day. We have a deep wish to be in a family. As we write this, we write from our home, in which we live all alone. This song expresses our youngest longings.

The ages of the inner children singing were between two and nine, and overall, this spontaneous expression of our longing was led by a five-year-old part.

Song How I Wish

i wish i had a mommy
so i could be loved someone by
i wish i had a daddy
so i could be loved someone by
i wish i had a family
so i could be loved someone by

i wish i had my mommy back
so i could be loved someone by
i wish i had my daddy back
so i could be loved someone by

(different parts singing about different parents)
i wish i had my mommy back
so i could be loved someone by
i wish i had my daddy back
so i could be loved someone by

i wish i had my family
so i could be loved someone by
i wish i had my brothers back
so i could play with someone too
i wish i had a sister back
so i could talk with someone too
i wish i had a friends to play
so we could share our toys and game
i wish i had a family too
so i could be loved someone by

i wish i had my babies back
so they could be loved someone by

i wish i had a family
so we could be loved someone by

i wish i had a safe home too
so we could play and play all night
i wish i had a safe place home
so we could sleep and not be fright

i wish i had a family
so i could love you safely too

i wish i had my whole world back
so i could live in it with you

i wish i had my art supply
so i could clean the walls of white

i wish i had my life together
that’s so i could be me forever

i wish i love myself again
so i could be loved someone by

i wish i like myself so much
so i could walk the ground all right

i wish i could be loved someone by
so that i could be loved someone by

that is all i wish tonight
that is all i wish tonight