There is something about lately that makes me want to write an essay that is not about programming, trauma-based mind control, and slavery. As I begin, I am not sure if I can even do this, because all of these realities still exist within me today, and they exist in so many others all around […]

Cleaning the Kitchen

Content Warning: This essay contains graphic depictions of group rape, violence, and torture, as well as descriptions of child loss, shame, and specific programming practices. I have been in a continuous state of suffering since my inception. While it may be difficult for some people to believe that this is possible—and while there may be […]

Programmed Voices

I am starting to realize how much daily interaction I still have with my abusers, even though on the outside, I appear to live a life in which I only interact with a relatively small group of kind, safe beings. I interact with friends. I interact with a support system. I interact with the many […]


There is so much more that we would say, if we felt fully safe. Tonight, we are wishing that we could tell you our names, and that we could learn yours. Tonight we are wishing that nobody needed to hide from anybody. Tonight, we are reexperiencing moments that broke us apart and made us strangers. […]

To My Children

My Dear Ones I miss you. I think about you every day. My heart hurts, and I wonder how much your hearts hurt. Part of why I work so hard to remember, is so that I can remember you. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe. I don’t know if anywhere out there […]

Mass Production

Production and Trafficking I have seen slaves mass produced. There are a number of forms of slave mass production that have taken place, right before my eyes. There are probably other forms of slave mass production that I have not personally witnessed. The forms you may be aware of include: plants that are grown for […]


Nature Sometimes storms break trees. Sometimes rabbits trample ants. Sometimes plants grow needles. Sometimes the ocean drowns a land dweller, or the air drowns an ocean dweller. Sometimes humans take wood and metal—resources and life from the earth—and they create guns, tanks, factories, poisonous gasses, and plastic. Sometimes humans capture and experiment on small animals […]


My system has been reflecting on our experiences of attempting to believe ourselves, to believe our memories, to seek out and find our deepest instincts and our nature, and to believe that more is possible than what we have experienced so far in this lifetime. It is common for survivors of extreme and organized abuse […]

Murder Versus Ugliness

Who They Said I Am I have been experiencing persistent voices in my mind who call me ugly. They point out specific aspects of my body that are ugly, in a tone that makes me feel as though my physical appearance is a crime. Even though the internal comments about my body are the same […]


This essay was written by a member of our system who cannot yet recall their name, age, or identity, but who has been silently witnessing this life that we lead, and would like a chance to express themselves. Opposition Sometimes I hesitate to look back at previous essays I have written. I notice that sometimes […]


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