Below is a collection of some of my system’s artwork. Feel free to look around.
These two paintings were created by two different inner children in our system. The painting on the left shows us with an owner, and the painting on the right shows us with a kind father.
The girl who drew the painting on the left wants to say that she used to believe that she likes pink, and now she is attempting to see the rest of the world, before deciding on her favorite color. She also wants to say that the duck and the heart were drawn for our children. The boy who drew the painting on the right wants to say that he misses this moment very much, and it’s hard to believe that it’s gone, or that it ever even happened at all. He wants to add that he did not have much time to complete this painting (we had an opportunity to make two paintings, but he had to go second and ran out of time), so he feels worried that it looks sloppy, and doesn’t show enough of his love.
After painting both, we noticed some differences. The figures in the left painting are much larger than the figures in the right painting. (The canvases are the same size.) The cold and desolate life of being owned was indeed the primary motif of our past. Perhaps the future will be more like the brief moments of love that we depicted on the warm, sunny beach.
We also noticed a distance between the girl and her owner, whereas the boy and his kind father are close, and are positioned to the side, inviting so many fun activities into their warm day. If only we had not been losing so much energy—even in small miracle moments such as this one—with the constant looming fear of death, torture, and the pain of others. We could never relax. Once in a while there were moments who tried to teach us.
Inner Children’s Drawings
These are some drawings done by various inner children in our system. While we do not use our names on this platform, we want you to know that we each have different names, ages, and ways of being in the world, both in the external world, and in our internal world. Some of us feel strong, some feel confident, some feel timid, some feel confused, some feel guilty or shameful, some feel tired and sad, and some feel tormented.
We do not like being treated as though we are one individual. We appreciate it whenever anyone is present for who we are in any given moment, with no expectations of consistency, just as we do our best to remember that all beings change from moment to moment. If you were to get to know us, you would notice different facial expressions, vastly different voices, different senses of humor, different fears, and different levels of familiarity. It would feel much like getting to know different beings at different times, with many surprising moments in between.
All inner children—we hope that you find moments of free expression and free creativity as well, and that you get love-filled opportunities to share your expression with others.
This is some digital artwork that was done using photos that I took while visiting an area where I had been trafficked and enslaved.
It took me nearly three decades to free myself from total enslavement in the international network in which I was bred and born. Since then, it has been very challenging to adjust to the markedly different customs of this society, while feeling alone, and while feeling invisible at the most fundamental levels of my being.
The first two art pieces below were created in the middle of a sleepless night. They are meant to reflect a state of profound isolation, having left my entire life behind in order to try to become free. The life that I had to leave included family, friends, partners, children, animals, and plants. It was also a challenging and complex experience to leave the abusers to whom I was trauma-bonded, and toward whom I felt some some form of Stockholm-Syndrome-level responsibility and care.
The third piece links the feeling of being interpersonally impenetrable with my earliest years of organized abuse within a cold and violent institution.
The fourth piece reflects the relationships within my internal world among spirit, life and physical matter, AI, and cruelty. When i was very young, certain symbols were on the wallpaper of the room in which I slept, and this is partially depicted by this piece.
The fifth piece is a depiction of an actual location in my system’s internal world. It has taken a long time to dismantle it. If you would like to, you can try to imagine what types of staged abuse scenarios and tortures a child must undergo, in order to have a terrifying inner playground installed into an internal world. Insiders also wish to add, We did not choose the rainbow coloring of the letters—they did.
The sixth piece depicts a “NO” to rape, torture, enslavement, and intentionally inflicted trauma of any kind.
These are drawings that were done in the early stages of recovery from abuse and trafficking. During this period of time, there was a constant state of sadness, loneliness, confusion, anxiety, fatigue, insomnia, and an inexplicable inability to rest.
The moment-to-moment experience of living was unsettling, as so much trauma was readying itself to emerge from my unconscious mind, and it had only begun to make itself conscious. I primarily experienced body memories of rape and other physical and sexual abuse, as well as emotional flashbacks, which contained deep sadness, despair, shame, and shock. I did not always realize that the emotions I was feeling were stemming from flashbacks, because the feelings often arose without accompanying visual or auditory memory content. Because of this strong disconnect from memory content, whenever I would draw or write, I would need to trust that my unconscious mind would naturally produce whatever was needing to surface, and I would do my best to allow, allow, allow—even if I was uncomfortable with what was emerging from my fingers.
When I was not actively experiencing flashbacks of abuse, I was in a continuous, nagging state of denial—a state of denial so strong that when I look back at it now, with greater clarity, I can see how overtly it stemmed from deliberate programming of my psyche, which was designed to ensure that I would never remember my past, believe myself, trust myself, or heal.
During this period of time, I was constantly suicidal, while living alone and working a full-time job. While my daytime job was registering in me as abusive and painful, I did not consciously know that I was still actively being abused.
Some of the later drawings may be triggering or somewhat graphic.
Thank you for viewing our artwork.
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