Below is a collection of some of my system’s artwork. Feel free to look around.
These are drawings that were done in the early stages of recovery from abuse and trafficking. During this period of time, I experienced a constant state of sadness, loneliness, confusion, anxiety, fatigue, insomnia, and an inexplicable inability to rest.
My moment-to-moment experience of living was unsettling, as so much trauma was readying itself to emerge from my unconscious mind, and it had only begun to make itself conscious. I primarily experienced body memories of rape and other physical and sexual abuse, as well as emotional flashbacks, which contained deep sadness, despair, shame, and shock. I did not always realize that the emotions I was feeling were stemming from flashbacks, because the feelings often arose without accompanying visual or auditory memory content. Because of this strong disconnect from memory content, whenever I would draw or write, I would need to trust that my unconscious mind would naturally produce whatever was needing to surface, and I would do my best to allow, allow, allow—even if I was uncomfortable with what was emerging from my fingers.
When I was not actively experiencing flashbacks of abuse, I was in a constant, nagging state of denial—a state of denial so strong that when I look back at it now, with greater clarity, I can see how overtly it stemmed from deliberate programming of my psyche, which was designed to ensure that I would never remember my past, believe myself, trust myself, or heal.
During this period of time, I was constantly suicidal, while living alone and working a full-time job. While my daytime job was registering in me as abusive and painful, I did not consciously know that I was still actively being abused.
This is some digital artwork that was done using photos that I took while visiting an area where I had been trafficked and enslaved.
It took me nearly three decades to free myself from total enslavement in the international network in which I was bred and born. Since then, it has been very challenging to adjust to the markedly different customs of this greater society, while feeling alone, and while feeling invisible at the most fundamental levels of my being.
The first two art pieces below were created in the middle of a sleepless night. They are meant to reflect a state of profound isolation, having left my entire life behind in order to try to become free. The life that I had to leave included family, friends, partners, children, animals, and plants. It was also a challenging and complex experience to leave the abusers to whom I was trauma-bonded, and toward whom I felt some some form of Stockholm-Syndrome-level responsibility and care.
The third piece links the feeling of being interpersonally impenetrable with my earliest years of organized abuse within a cold and violent institution.
The fourth piece reflects the relationships within my internal world among spirit, life and physical matter, AI, and cruelty. When i was very young, certain symbols were on the wallpaper of the room in which I slept, and this is partially depicted by this piece.
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